Every once in a while things are said that we would never have heard in Minnesota

“The elephants tore up the plumbing again!”

“John, can you hear the running water?” Anne called out at 5:00 am. Wearily climbing out of bed I joined her to investigate. “The elephants tore up the plumbing again!” I sighed. I walked past the fire pit, ducked and squeezed up a short narrow path through the brambles to the water tank and turned off the water supply to the entire compound. I went back to bed.

“There is a fire under your car.”

A few weeks ago I was at the market in Meru Town. I walked to the lady I normally buy my eggplants and green peppers from and started to order two KG of eggplants when I was interrupted. An excited man walked up to me, waved his hands and started talking, “Agdfrt hsydg jfuhedn hdysg jfyuedh…..” Not having a clue, I replied, “What? I don’t speak Swahili.” He repeated himself even more forcefully, “Agdfrt hsydg jfuhedn hdysg jfyuedh…..” Thinking, “What have I done, why is he upset with me?” I turned to a man standing nearby and asked hopefully, “What did he say?” Smiling the man replied, “There is a fire under your car.” “Huh…” It was so outside what I was expecting to hear that at first it made no sense. He repeated, “There is a fire under your car.”

I hurried back to the car. He was right. I had inadvertently parked over a small pile of coals which had subsequently burst back into flame. I moved the car and returned to my shopping.

“There’s a lizard in my toilet!”

Lynn burst into our cottage. “There’s a lizard in my toilet!” she exclaimed. We all trooped back and sure enough there he was doing the breast stroke. About five inches long he seemed pretty harmless but we agreed that we wouldn’t want to sit down until he was removed. Fishing him out with a stick didn’t work so I put my hand in a plastic bag and, reaching in, I grabbed him. Turning to show the women, I realized that all I had was two inches of tail. Another grab was more successful. I released him (and the tail) outside. We all resolved to check the bowl before sitting down.

“Sorry I’m late, but there was a rhino in the road and he wouldn’t move.”

This is pretty self-explanatory. Normally all the animals will move out of the way when a car approaches. The exceptions are the large cats, elephants and rhinos. The cats just ignore you and truthfully you are so excited to see them that you just stop and watch until they decide that they want to go. The elephants and rhinos usually move away but it is clear that they are always very aware of your presence and sometimes they decide that they are going to challenge you.

That is what happened on that particular day. I was driving Robert and Rehema back to the house when we came up to a black rhino in the middle of the road. I stopped and sat for a few minutes. Robert told me that if I drove closer the rhino would step aside. So I crept up. At about 20 feet away the rhino did a quick quarter twist, stomped his front feet, and took two or three rapid steps straight at us. Slamming the gearbox into reverse, I backed up 30 feet. After a five to ten minute staring contest the rhino stepped to the side of the road and let us pass. He only took his eyes off us when we were well down the road.

“There are ants in my pants!”

Flinging the front door open, I hurried into the bedroom while slapping at my legs and simultaneously grabbing for my zipper. “What’s the matter?” “There are ants in my pants!” I cried. The ants are black and about 1/3 inch long. If you tarry to long near an ant nest they are suddenly everywhere. You can’t feel them crawling up your leg. They just seem to appear on your feet, calf, thigh, stomach or back. You don’t even know they are there until they bite. The bites really hurt but don’t leave a mark. You have to strip down and grab each one and crush it, thoroughly shake out your clothes, and then sit around for the next hour imagining every itch is an ant that you missed getting ready to bite.

And of course the dreaded, “The monkeys are in your car.”

Adorable, cute, and frisky on the ground or in the nearby trees, they are destructive, annoying and leave behind smelly little brown calling cards when they get in your car. All it takes is a window left half open and something that has been in contact with anything vaguely reminiscent of food to result in a messy situation.

So, when was the last time you heard any of these?